Friday, 7 November 2014

10 Bollywood Facts I Bet You Didn’t Know

1. Aamir Khan's ears are aerodynamically designed, at an angle to help him slow down when on motion. Just like an aircraft while landing.

2. Income Tax guys once raided Akshay Kumar for disproportionate asset in the form of gum;

3. Anil Kapoor has severe vitamin D deficiency as sunlight can't penetrate his body hair and reach skin;

4. Hrithik Roshan's right hand has a nickname- "Pincode", for it has six digits.

5. Imran Khan uses complex geometrical instruments to get his hairline;

6. No domestic help has ever stolen any cutlery from Kamal Haasan's kitchen. They were never sure if the fork lying invitingly was not Kamal Haasan himself in make-up;

7. Aradhya Bachchan is likely to make her acting debut in a Tamil film against her grandfather Amitabh Bachchan's good friend Rajinikanth;

8. It's gross exaggeration to say Anushka Sharma is so thin that she can pass through the eye of a needle. Her hair tied in a ban, she gets stuck.

9. Shakti Kapoor is an ardent Nabokov fan. #Lolita

10. Shammi Kabab was originally called Prithviraj Kapoor. #ShammiKaBaap

Monday, 27 October 2014

The Doosra Diwali Gift Survey

Social scientists fear it would be incredibly difficult to survive without Google but agree it would be absolutely impossible to survive without domestic helps.

Let’s face it. It’s not the politicians, scientists, IT guys or Rajinikanth but the domestic helps who keep the world going.

The theory may not apply to the West but it has not yet been established beyond satisfaction that West is part of the world. Many Indian tourists in fact exclaim it’s out-of-the-world.

And nothing influences the decision of a domestic help whether to continue her current job or look for a greener pasture than the Diwali gift from her employer, often the female family head, with whom she shares a relation involving diplomatic skullduggery of the highest order.

Indian male family members – universally recognised as easily the selfish, incorrigibly the lazy and absolutely the redundant unit of any household – have no clue about the existential significance of the day after Diwali when the crackers have fizzled out like a Ram Gopal Verma movie at the Box Office and the earthen Diyas resemble one of those once oil-rich nations sucked, democratically, bone-dry by the US.

Doosra conducted a nationwide family survey and came up with some startling facts:

1. 67% male family members said they were not consulted while determining the Diwali gift for the domestic help;

2. 20% male family members said they may have been consulted but don’t exactly recall as the discussion coincided with some football/cricket/tennis/sepak takraw/ muay thai/kalaripayattu thing on TV;;

3. 7% male family members said they were consulted but their Diwali gift suggestion was summarily rejected;

4. 6% male family members refused to comment;

5. Of the domestic helps who reported for duty the day after, 89% sported a sullen look on their face and steadfastly refused to share any neighborhood gossip;

6. Of the domestic helps who did not report for duty, 76% confirmed they were one round of cajoling away from joining back;

7. 76% of the domestic helps who did not join duty, did not take call from their employees, spreading widespread panic and consternation at their workplace;

8. 23% female family heads successfully got rid of old cutlery sets gathering dust in an obscure corner of their cupboard;

9. 79% male members of families hit by domestic help’s absence called their bosom friends to cancel evening gathering citing hostile atmosphere at home;

10. 86% of kids in family’s hit by domestic help’s absence reported above-average scolding and significant rise in slapping, pinching and other popular forms of disciplining a child;

11. 97% apartments witnessed gathering of domestic helps, featuring comparative study of each other’s gifts and assessment of their employer’s character with generous sprinkling of unparliamentary words and phrases.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Why This Year’s Nobel Peace Prize Sucks

First a confession. Still in the clutch of a post-lunch siesta, initially I read this year’s Nobel Peace prize has gone to Kailash Kher and Malaika Arora which seemed to me a fair even if somewhat a left-field choice.

After all, Kher, even at the height of his fame, looks a perfectly humble and peaceful guy even though history tells us most of civilisation’s worst tyrants, such as Attila the Hun, Hitler and Don Bradman, have been people who traded vertical growth for career growth leaving (runs and) ruins in their wake.

Malaika was not an unnatural choice either, having done her bit in maintaining peace in
a Mumbai household which tops the muscle-per-family-member table but is not exactly known for emotional stability.

Furious rubbing of eyes revealed the jury has, not for the first time or last, made a complete ass of itself and has gone ahead and gifted it to some Kailash Satyarthi and Malala Yousafzai instead.

If you ask me, this year’s Nobel Peace prize should be called LoC, something India and Pakistan share and neither looks completely happy with the arrangement.

If you’ve seen his photos that have started littering the front pages of the newspapers, you’d agree with me what Satyarthi actually needed is not a Nobel prize but a stout razor and a tube of shaving cream. With the money he now has, he can obviously secure a lifetime supply of shaving kit but that’s a roundabout way of doing things.

What is more baffling is they made him share it with Malala Yousafzai. It’s not a paani-puri that you serve to a teenage girl and ask her to share it with her neighbourhood chacha.

Spare a thought for the girl! The poor girl is still recovering from the trauma of being shot by the Talibans and instead of helping her recuperate, you give her a nasty shock. Have a heart!

One completely understands the jury’s compulsion. Under a secret agreement, they have to announce a winner every year for the award that Alfred Nobel had started, for reasons best known to him, or be blown up by the good Swede’s most famous invention – dynamite.

What one doesn’t is their queer choice even when you had at least another dozen candidates who deserved it more.

Baba Siddique for instance. The Bandra MLA did the Bollywood equivalent of making Sourav Ganguly feed Greg Chappell with his right hand while fanning the feisty Aussie with his left. Siddique facilitated the epoch-making hug between Shah Rukh Khan and Salman Khan, whose followers, historians and Bollywood analysts predict, would fight World War III. If that doesn’t qualify for a Nobel then I don’t know what does.

One would go to the extent of saying that it could have been given to any Newshour panelist, for showing exemplary restraint and resisting the temptation to throttle Arnab Goswami.

And if the jury was keen on springing an obscure Indian in an unsuspecting world, Adi Pocha should have received it even if belatedly. Nobody spread peace more than Pocha has. He spread “Shanti” over 807 episodes and Mandira Bedi has not looked back since.

(Pix: DNA)
(P.S. Hope all realise it’s a humour piece and means no disrespect to anyone, however worthy)

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Afridi's Secret Diary: Salary Cut

I'm going threw bad faze like nobody's business. I not knowing if you readed the news. The crickit board cut my salary because they think I'm unfit. They cut my salary as if it being salad! You not seeing how anger I am. I am more anger than Dhoni when he was refuged Biryani in a hotel.

They cut my salary, on a time when shampoo and hair conditioner price is increasing like Inzybhai's westline. I don't know how lengthy I can take care of my beautiful hair.

Idiots not knowing I take my fitness like nobody's business. Every day I excise with my chacha's son.He is my favourite cuisine in the middle of all cuisines. While other cousins come only to vacant my freeze, this cuisine comes to excise. Like me, he is also a racist. So we race every morning. Then in the afternoon, we go to the Jim and lift wait. And when there is no wait, we lift Nasir Jamshed. I used to lift Inzy bhai in the earlier past days but he did not liking it and growed beard so that I cannot identify him.

Board's logistic is if they cut my salary, I can by less food from shop. I by less food means I eat less food. And I eat less means I more fit.


Truth is when I excise, I get tyred and sweets come all over my body. I am not like that dirty Munaf Patel. I have to bath again after that. And to bath two times, I need double amount soaps and double amount shampoo and hair conditioners. How I by them if you cut my salary? If you cut my salary, I stop excise because I can't bath behind that. And I stop excise means I become fat. Someone understand those idiots.

Five months in front of the World Cup, there doing whatever there wanting. This going to back on fire for us and we will have to import Burnols from India, I telling you. By for now.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Ajmal Band for World Cup

I sewer touching my shampoo and hair conditioner that I'm anger like nobody's business.

If you steel not getting it, I'm mad for ICC who band our Saeed Ajmal for illegal action. And this six months in front of the World Cup. What massage ICC giving here?

I having no doubt this is a conspiracy and they not wanting us to victory. Ajmal is our best chucker spinner. If Pakistan cricket team is a army, he is a loyal shoulder. You band him, you handicraft us. In our country, first ballers are borning every day but chucker spinners we get rearly.

I don't know why they telling Ajmal having illegal action. When Asif played, he had illegal action. After match, he wented to shops to by nasha products. I except that us illegal action. Poor Ajmal has not even money to buy a packet of bidi.

Just I hearing ICC things he throws. It's uncorrect. Ajmal is a good boy. I know some boys once wanted to throw a match. It was just for fun, not money, I telling you. Butt Ajmal refuged. No, only Ajmal refuged. Butt did not. Also because Ajmal was not playing then.

This Ajmal band has effected our World Cup plan. We now needing a institute...or is it substitute? Otherwise, pressure mound on my soldier I loose my beautiful hairs.

Friends, time to shampoo my hair and conditioner then. I'll return back quickly. Also, I see Ajmal is 37 years old. I being so little, I take back all the "boys" in this diary and wish good luck to Ajmal chacha.

Thursday, 4 September 2014

7 types of people who should be phased out

I hereby recommend the gradual phasing out of people who don’t look before...

1. Jerking hand after washing it, relying more on centrifugal forces than paper towels to dry the said body part.

2. Flicking boogers.

3. Spitting betel juice out of the window of moving/stationary vehicles.

4. Opening, without notice, the door of a moving car to drop diaper.

5. Swapping legs, without notice, from a cross-legged position at a dentist’s chamber.

6. Getting off bikes with a flourish, sweeping air with the rear leg in lame Bruce Lee imitation.

7. Trying to walk through pedestrians while gazing at the mobile screen.

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

When in Rome do as the Romans...and confirm you’re a priceless chump

This has the potentials to top the list of dumbest advice mouthed by a homo sapience since God created the World or AK Hangal made his Bollywood debut, whichever the earliest.

I suspect it was a wicked Roman who, seeking to inject some fun in an otherwise dull life, coined the adage despite knowing that you, a tourist, would make a colossal asino –- that’s ass in Italy –- of yourself if you land on Rome and try to ape them.

Allow me to elaborate and take the case of Casu Marzu, a Sardinian sheep milk cheese that contains live insect larvae.

You have to culture them like a microbiologist cultures bacteria in a lab with avuncular affection. You got to make sure the emotionally fragile larvae enjoy the hospitality of their new home and break down the fats to give it a sublime, gooey texture. The translucent white worms should be wriggling in joy when you are about to consume it.

Now, the Romans have been doing it since ages. This is probably the first thing they teach in kindergartens and by the time a kid is seven, he/she probably can make it blindfolded with one hand tied behind the back.

Now if you try your hand at it, even if none of them tied behind your back, you are bound to cut a sorry figure. It's a highly complicated method –- humouring a bunch of uprooted larvae in their adopted home –- that requires a sound knowledge of larvae psychology, which, I’m told, is significantly distinct from grown-up insect psychology.

While centuries of practice has reduced it to a kid’s play for an average Roman – they apparently do it in school in between classes -- a tourist can’t hope to land in Rome and dish out something that requires the combined skills of a Louis Pasteur, a Sigmund Freud and a Jamie Oliver.

Forget Casu Marzu. The sooner you realise you can’t even out-pasta an Italian the better. You just can’t upstage them in their own games. As simple as that.

When in Rome do as the Romans! It’s like saying when in Glasgow, do as the Scots, which means wearing a kilt and instantly becoming either 1) a family disgrace; or 2) the butt of dirty office jokes; or 3) an international laughingstock. Or all three.

Truth is, if you ever travel to Rome, the smartest thing would be to avoid doing whatever the Romans do. You’re welcome.

(P.S. You can safely say Doosra has declared war against the autocratic idiosyncrasies of the English language. The truth is, most of the English proverbs have aged/stagnated/simply ceased to make sense and need swift phasing out. Doosra will hunt them down, one by one, in this new series the frequency of which would be directly proportional to the availability of brainwaves)

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Maria Sharapova’s Apology to India

I admit it should not have taken this long but as we say in Russian: Лу́чше по́здно, чем никогда́. Or better late than never.

My friends in India, here I, Maria Sharapova, daughter of Yuri and Elena Sharapova, tender an unconditional apology to 1.2 billion of you (I suspect million but my manager insists it’s billion) for previously not knowing who the Great Sachin Tendulkar is.

While I admit that you’ve shown great restraint in confining your just anger to innocuous photoshopping and innocent defacing of my Facebook wall using words that have greatly enriched my vocabulary, I beg your sympathy and draw your attention to my inglorious upbringing where cricket meant a buzzing insect and nothing else.

As some of you probably know, I was born in Russia, the country languishing in obscurity until your Mithun Chakraborty arrived there to shoot a couple of films that thrust my shy nation firmly under the spotlight.

Soon after my birth, my parents moved to the United States, a country history will eventually remember for organising random spelling bee contests monopolized by kids from your great country.

Despite the strong India links, in the country of my origin as well as the country I’ve adopted, cricket is as popular as Mike Tyson was with Evander Holyfield’s family immediately after that 1997 bout in Las Vegas.

While it’s a lame excuse for my mind-numbing ignorance, I beg you kindly consider the circumstances in which I confessed not knowing who the cricketing God was.

I completely agree when many of you question if tennis can be considered a sport, let alone a global sport, and wonder what’s the big deal about this Micky Mouse tournament. Looking back, I realise I got carried away after winning a match at Wimbledon and was not in full control of my faculties when I was asked the question about Tendulkar.

Otherwise, I could have mumbled out something vague yet face-saving. Like “That’s a ridiculous question. Of course I know him! Who doesn’t? He is a living legend, a giant beyond his physical stature and an inspiration not only to our generation but to the entire world. It’s people like him who restores our faith in humanity. In fact when I was trailing in the match, his presence inspired my comeback.”

I am ashamed of the way I have conducted myself and to prove that I’m genuinely sorry, I have been reading everything I could about Tendulkar, even if meant skipping training and fighting with the coach.

Now I know his cricket stats by heart; I know the punch lines of the each of his 2086 TV commercials including “Visa power, go get it”; and I know the breed of each of his pet dogs.

Naturally my preparation for US Open next month is the best I ever had. I may not cross the first round hurdle at Flushing Meadows but if media ask me about Tendulkar, I bet I will surprise you all.

Kind regards

Maria Sharapova

(A work of fiction, if you still don't get it)

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Budget 2014: 10 Random Observations

1. Honourable Finance Minister spoke for two hours but it's actually a one-line budget. Sardar Patel Statuetory warning: Smoking is injurious to wealth.

2. Oil products to be cheaper. Afraid it would boost sycophancy.

3. Cigarettes to cost more. It's clearly a pro-rich budget. Only the rich can now afford those diseases that smoking causes.

4. How do I pay "indirect tax"? Instead of giving it directly to the guy at counter, I submit it via pantry boy?

5. Rather happy with "Krishi Darshan". Finally something to bring smile on the face of poor farmers like Robert Vadra and Amitabh Bachchan.

6. Cigarette to cost more, footwear to be cheaper. The underlying message is: kick the bad habit or smoke footwear.

7. Soap to be cheaper. Munaf Patel should have no excuse now.

8. Cigarette to be costlier (leitmotif of this piece). It means Bollywood will have to be more creative. Any bidi/cigarette chewer cannot be passed as a poor street urchin, however shabby the dress is.

9. Finance Minister sipped water while presenting budget. Was Hema Malini around to make sure it was Kent RO treated?

10. Cigarette costlier, footwear cheaper. Can you still crush cigarette butts under your footwear?

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

7 Reasons Why Rail Budget Was A Let Down

1. More than bullet trains, we needed a bullet IRCTC.

2. I have serious apprehensions about the proposed bullet trains. Ticketless passengers may reach destination even before negotiation with TTE ends.

3. The minister, much to the dismay of his own party supporters, did not announce a 'Train to Pakistan' to ferry NDA critics.

4. The Minister proposed retiring rooms at all stations, something even his leader LK Advani is not interested in.

5. No train was named after Ashok Kumar who did more for Indian Railways than anyone else with this:

6. The minister overlooked the need to have TTE rate chart, just like porters have, prominently displayed everywhere to facilitate ticketless passengers' hassle-free negotiations with the Men in Black.

7. There was no "bug-bite and blanket-allergy compensation" for Rajdhani passengers.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

10 Soccer Facts I Bet You Didn’t Know

1. Babies are normally born head-first. Andrea Pirlo bucked the trend and was born beard-first.

2. An unborn Miroslav Klose never kicked his mom from inside her womb. He always headed.

3. Philipp Lahm is shorter than himself.

4. Arjen Robben can overtake any Irfan Pathan/Vinay Kumar delivery in loafers.

5. The density of hair in Joachim Loew’s head matches that of Anil Kapoor’s chest.

6. Kokilaben Ambani made a last-ditch attempt to make the Boateng brothers Jerome (Germany) and Prince (Ghana) bury their differences and play for any one team.

7. Eden Hazard was named after the 1967 Kolkata test match violence.

8. Sepp Blatter reports to N Srinivasan.

9. FIFA is a BCCI sub-committee.

10. An ageing Klose will decide whether to play on after the 2050 World Cup to be held in Chennai under BCCI’s aegis.

Friday, 20 June 2014

FIFA World Cup First Week Review

It's a matter of great relief that the first week of the FIFA World Cup, that ultimate burglary alarm, ended without any on-field homicide, though a couple of players came dangerously close to that.

None of them are Indians though, one can proudly add, owing partially to the fact that we find making the St. Stephen's cut-off list a greater challenge and hence don't waste time trying to qualifying for random World Cups.

That doesn't mean we are immune to the soccer malaria.

It's that time of the year when parents don't mind their sons downloading WAGs posters, an act when committed outside this window could get them swiftly disowned.

And it's considered perfectly "Bhartiya Sanskriti" for girls to drool over topless six-pack surfboards, an indiscretion which otherwise would cost them their original surnames via the elaborate process called marriage.

Fans call football a religion, an argument based presumably on the fact that it encourages idolatry, divides people, incites violence and occasionally claims life.

In Kolkata, Messi-worshippers apparently have stopped dating girls who sensed faintest of cuteness in Neymar. Across the nation, the picture is no better.

Productivity has taken a hit, sleep pattern has gone for a toss, employees have run out of excuses to bunk office and barbers have been flooded with requests for hairstyles
hitherto unknown to humanity.

As if it's not bad enough, Sony Six has rolled out "Cafe Rio" and social scientists concur human intelligence was never more at risk.

A suspected anti-soccer movement, "Cafe Rio" features individuals with impeccable soccer pedigree.

Gaurav Kapoor hosts it, picked no doubt for his likeness to the post Messi's shot came off before entering the Bosnia goal.

Panelists include the likeable John Abraham, who puts the wood in Bollywood and -- here I want you to closely follow -- everyone knows goalposts used to be made of woods before they went metal.

Also, the organisers were apparently looking for someone with cafe experience and John was fresh from his "Madras Cafe" venture.

If you still doubt his soccer credentials, this should clinch it. John's ex once kissed Ronaldo, though it's unfair to blame that incident for the Portugal's poor run of form, for it occurred some seven years ago when LK Advani was still a PM aspirant and Salman Khan a bachelor.

Other panelists include Indian soccer captain Sunil Chetri, a forward whose highest jump in the penalty box once took him, eyewitnesses swear, somewhere around Zlatan Ibrahimovic's knee-cap.

Some insist Ashok Dinda leaps higher and is a better choice during corners but others point out India have not won a corner since 1965 and hence Indian soccer is not the right platform to showcase Dinda's gravity-defying talent.

Another panelist includes retired French player Mikael Silvestre, who looks more stoned than Majnu was in that fabled sub-continental tragedy. (I'm told Majnu was probably not stoned to death but I'm not ready to let silly facts ruin a joke.)

Returning to the rail, not all are complaining though.

"My husband used to be soccer-mad but Cafe Rio has cured him. Thank you Cafe Rio," said a woman with an intonation not found outside teleshopping commercials.

She went to the extent of declaring "Cafe Rio" as soccer's own "Alcoholics Anonymous" and said she'd be surprised if the show/channel doesn't not get an award from the United Nations or the body that governs the universe -- BCCI.

Even though it's 180 degrees from their original motive behind launching the show, Sony Six has been bolstered by testimonials like this and has promised to carry on into the remainder of the tournament, a decision that has met deathly silence from social scientists.

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Afridi’s Secret Diary: Aluminium Association of My Child School

I'm return. I not righting the dairy for a long time. The because was I being very busy like nobody's business. Playing cricket and thinking what be the good time for next retirement not being easy.

Outside that, I visited my child school last weak. It was many emotional. So many memories -- of rising over bench, being chicken for not doing homeworks, stealing paranthas from friend’s tipping box ...

As a student, I was, what you call, too sigh to speak. Fully no confidence, always hiding be low the desk. Sigh and what is the word? Yes, I was inverter like nobody's business.

My other child school friends also comed. All are establishment in life. We had very sad feeling seeing the old school building. It looked like collapsing anytime like our betting lineup. We feeled if we rise money for a new building, it will be a good jester.

So we all the before students of the school decided to come to gather and from a Aluminium Association and rise some money. Why aluminium, not iron which is more strongest is I not knowing.

A friend said we can also get many money from Inzamam Bhai if we call it Aloominium Association. I respect Inzy bhai who being a roll model but I smiled like nobody's business. Time for practice now. Coach will be accepting me on the ground. Good buy for now.

Sunday, 20 April 2014

7 Facts You Didn't Know About Aamir Khan The Perfectionist

Aamir Khan’s perfectionism is legendary. Apparently, he compares photocopies with the original document just in case.

That he is a conscientious actor is also well known. As a teen, he was never found sitting on a ladies’ seat in a bus. He preferred to lie instead, friends narrate.

What is not so well-known is Aamir’s involvement in some of the celestial, mythical and mytholigical events that shaped the world we live in.

Cutting a long story short, below are the 7 Facts You Didn't Know About Aamir Khan The Conscientious Perfectionist:

1. When Moses parted sea, an unimpressed Aamir said it was far from a perfect job as the left part contained .025 litre more water than the right.

2. Aamir censured God for creating the world in six days, pointing out several flaws and demanding an explanation for His baffling haste in what was His most important project. "I often find six days inadequate to decide whether to put a dot at the end of my autograph or underline it and here you..."

3. Aamir criticised Jesus Christ for resurrecting without giving a notice, saying it could have been a nasty shock for the old people with heart ailments in Nazareth.

4. Aamir severely rebuked Noah for using gopherwood to build his boat when even a kid knows carbon fibre is a far better option. He demanded an unconditional apology from Noah for risking the lives of the precious animals all current animals owe their existence to.

5. Unicorns didn't simply vanish off the face of the earth. Aamir wrote a strongly-worded letter to God questioning the logic and aesthetics behind creating what was essentially a horse-with-a-horn, prompting Him to recall the whole batch of the creature.

6. Aamir delayed Hanuman's return with medicine from Gandhamadan Hills, asserting Sanjivani and Vishalya Karani were not to be sold over-the-counter. He insisted on seeing Dr Sushen's prescription, leading to a fracas which ended with Hanuman lifting the whole hill, along with Aamir, back to where Laxman lay unconscious.

7. Aamir invited the brave Garuda to Satyameva Jayate and asked him if he had checked if Ravana possessed a pollution-control certificate for his Pushpak Rath.

(It's an insignificant humour platform and means no disrespect to anyone. Can surely expect that much common sense? Thanks.)

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Yama-Yudhisthir Q&A 2

As you know, the big daddy of all quiz shows featured Yudhisthir in the hot seat and Yaksha, Yama in disguise, as the quiz master.

There was no 'lifeline' and Yudhisthir still cracked the quiz. The prize was a trip to Malaysia but post-MH370, Yudhisthir got it swapped for Sodexo coupons:-

Yama: What's indecision?
Yudhisthir: Sonu Nigam's state of mind when dealing with his hair.

Yama: What's inevitable?
Yudhisthir: Alleged death in your domestic help's family coinciding with the arrival of your guests.

Yama: What's ingenuity?
Yudhisthir: Mamata Banerjee's Ph D.

Yama: What's inner voice?
Yudhisthir: Borborygmus. Or rumbling of an empty stomach.

Yama: What's insomnia?
Yudhisthir: Best anti-burglary device.

Yama: What's insolvency?
Yudhisthir: Living off neighbour's wi-fi.

Yama: Hmm. Finally, what's life?
Yudhisthir: The passage from womb to tomb.


Thursday, 20 March 2014

Yama-Yudhisthir Q&A1

The big daddy of all quiz shows featured Yudhisthir in the hot seat and Yaksha, Yama in disguise, as the quiz master.

There was no 'lifeline' and Yudhisthir still cracked the quiz. The prize was a trip to Malaysia but post-MH370, Yudhisthir got it swapped for Sodexo coupons.

Yama: What is agony?
Yudhisthir: Loading your plate with lentil salad, not because you like but for sheer peer pressure.

Yama: What is happiness?
Yudhisthir: Messing up bed in hotel room, safe in the knowledge that on your return in the evening, you'd find it neatly done and trampoline-taut.

Yama: What is regret?
Yudhisthir: The nagging feeling of not being able to make the most of a complimentary breakfast even after you’ve stuffing yourself beyond capacity.

Yama: What is envy?
Yudhisthir: The overwhelming emotion sloshing in a straphanger's bosom for the seated traveller in front.

Yama: What is humour?
Yudhisthir: A natural byproduct of another person’s agony.

Yama: Well done my boy. Here’s your coupon. Finally a personal question. Was that Draupadi with painted cheeks cheering for Chennai Super Kings last night?

Yudhisthir (silent): ....Well, since you’ve already seen her... yes.

(Beginning this new series, frequency of which is as uncertain as Ishant Sharma’s future.)

Saturday, 8 March 2014

11 "Chai Pe Charcha" Spinoffs

Narendra Modi's "Chai Pe Charcha" has opened a Pandora's box.
With India set to stage world's biggest election from next month, political leaders are defying model code of conduct and interacting with the voters in secret, deliciously named interactions.

Below are 11 leaders and their campaign initiatives:

1. Raj Kachori with Rajnath Singh.

2. Chavanprash with Prithviraj Chavan.

3. Humble Pie with Digvijay Singh.

4. Momo with Momota Banerjee.

5. Modak with Modi. Calm down fanboys, I meant Lalit.

6. Muli with Mulayam.

7. Ginseng with ND Tiwari.

8. Kaju with Kejriwal.

9. Pan Vilas with Ram Vilas.

10. Jalebi with Jayalalitha.

11. Any Goddamn thing with Gadkari.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

The Great Kurukshetra Warrior Auction

Many suspect it was under pressure from N Srinivasan that Vyasa left out what was indubitably the most fascinating chapter of Mahabharata.

Well, Doosra can reliably reveal that an IPL-style auction took place on the eve of the Battle of Kurukshetra and Lalit Modi merely plagiarised the concept later on.

The Pandavas and the Kauravas staked every gold coin they had as auctioneer Vidur introduced the players.

Lord Krishna was the Team Pandava CEO, while Shakuni was his counterpart in the Kauravas camp.

Below is how the marquee players’ auction went at Kurukshetra.

Remember, you hear it here first.

Vidur: Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Kurukshetra Premier League Players’ Tournament. We’d start proceedings with Karna, the Anga King. His base price is 1000 gold coins. Do I see paddles going up?

Yudhisthir: Dear Krishna, let’s bid for him. Brilliant archer and a loyal team man. Generous, can sacrifice his wicket for teammates. We tried to fix the match and lure him into our squad but he not only turned down the offer but also threatened to report it to ICC. What say?

Krishna: Who’s the CEO here? Me or you? Listen, he’s a decent player but is doomed to choke in the end. Just like South Africa. He’s got a curse that he’d forget his deadliest weapon just when required. Let him go to the Kauravas.

Vidur: 1000 gold coins. Do I see the Kauravas raising the paddle?

Dhritarashtra: Duryodhan, from whatever little I saw of him…

Duryodhan: Cut the crap dad. You forgot you can’t see. Uncle, what do you reckon?

Shakuni: Sonny boy, break the bank but get him at any cost. Whadda player! He’d beat Arjun hollow. Dronacharya won’t coach him so he learnt under coach of all coaches Parasuram the great. Can play in all conditions. Vidur: 1000 coins one, 1000 coins two…Sold to the Kauravas! Well, next player is Bhishma with a base price of 2000 gold coins.

Krishna: We don’t need him. Too old for an 18-day battle and not retiring despite being well past his prime. Plays for personal milestones and behaves like a prima donna. Will pick and choose who he wants to duel with. No way.

Vidur: Will the Kauravas go for master blaster Bhishma? I see Duryodhan raising paddle. 2000 one, 2000 two…sold!

Shakuni: Good buy son. Bit of a pain in the neck for any captain but possesses most records worth possessing. No bowler can dismiss him. He can be out only hit wicket.

Vidur: Next player up for grab is Shikhandi and his…err…her…err whatever….the base price is 10 gold coins. Anyone for Shikhandi?

Shakuni: Hopeless. Who got this item in auction? I won’t take even if they put a gun to my head.

Vidur: Anyone for Shikhandi? 10 gold coins only…ah, Pandavas have raised the paddle! 10 one, 10 two…sold!

Yudhisthir: What did you do Keshav? What use is this Shikhandi? He…or she…has a suspect action and failed a sex test too.

Krishna: Don’t blabber. Bhishma can’t score off him. He’d keep one end tight and Arjun would dismiss Bhishma, who otherwise will bat on and on. So you spend just 10 coins and dismiss someone worth 2000.

Yudhisthir: Keshav! You’re a genius!

Krishna: Whatever.

Vidur: Well, now presenting the great Dronacharya with a base price of 1500 gold coins.

Krishna: No need to bid for him.

Yudhisthir: But he’s a great!

Krishna: We don’t need an over-the-hill player. He runs an academy in Hastinapur and is more into coaching these days. If he manages to score a few runs, you’d sledge him from behind stumps something about his son. That would unsettle him and even a Dhristadyumna can get him out.

Duryodhan: We’ll bid for him. I need someone to help me set the right field and he’s mastered Chakravyuh (raises paddle).

Vidur: Ah, so Dronacharya the great goes to the Kauravas. With that, we conclude auction of our marquee players. May the best team win.

Saturday, 8 February 2014

10 Indian state/cities and their ideal names

For reasons known only perhaps to Azam Khan's buffalos, Doosra was not consulted when names for Indian cities/states were decided.

As expected, they did a job more botched-up than Anushka Sharma's lips.

Below are 10 places and ideally what should have been their names:

1. Punjab = Sikhim.

2. Kolkata = Bhaatinda. Or Machhlipatnam.

3. Patna = Gutkhaland.

4. Post-AAP Delhi = Jhadukhand.

5. Kerala = KathMundu.

6. NCR = Okhlahoma. Home to Okhla that is.

7. Kanyakumari = Virginia.

8. Hailakandi = Alaska.

9. Haryana = Khapenhagen.

10. Assam = Rhinoam. Or Teabet. Or Chaina.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

7 Possible Reasons Why England Axed Pietersen

It cannot be just a coincidence that England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) decided to get rid of Kevin Pietersen in the same week that saw Azam Khan’s buffalos disappear and reappear under mysterious circumstances.

Neither Azam Khan nor ECB could offer convincing reasons behind the extraordinary circumstances that led to the disappearance/sacking of the sacred cows.

While Doosra cannot pinpoint the exact reasons behind Pietersen’s shock sacking, here are seven possibilities that may have forced ECB’s hand:

1. KP was caught red-handed stealing Alastair Cook's mascara;

2. KP's exciting shot-making was proving a bad influence on the impressionable young minds in a country determined to practise and perfect a brand of batsmanship that can cure insomnia;

3. KP was found to have replaced Andy Flower's shampoo with a mild pesticide and when caught, offered this bizarre explanation: "This is a standard horticulture remedy for any pest-ridden Flower."

4. His IPL earning was embarrassing UK's GDP;

5. KP was a divisive figure even at the breakfast table. While others asked for bacon and egg, he insisted on egg and bacon. It only proves KP never really embraced English culture;

6. KP winning matches single-handedly was a blatant act of defiance and gross violation of what is essentially a team game invented by the British;

7. KP often behaved as if he were KP.


Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Afridi's Secret Diary: Back After A Whale

I'm returning back after a whale. Was busy like nobody's business and losted this dairy which I thinked our family goat have eated. I'm joy it's alive and I can right again. The goat is not aliving though, we eated the testy animal.

Many things happened in the last some months of the past. In the first in cricket, Sachin Tendulkar is no more. (My girl daughter telling me 'no more' is uncorrect. It should be "no more playing cricket". This kids. They may be little in age but you teach so much from them. Kids are like kidneys, be there caretaker).

Ok, Tendulkar being retired. But he doing it only once and I done it so many times that you need toes also to count. Some times I am not knowing weather I am playing or retiring. At list in one field, I'm before of Tendulkar like nobody's business.

People say cricket will be pour without Sachin. Same time, he will be pour without cricket. Arrey, he not getting match fees and advertisemens like olden days.

In other hand, Australia win Ashes like nobody's business. I not unaccepted it. I thinked England having good form and Australia having very little good form.

Mitchell Johnson bowled liked nobody's business. He wanting like keeling England's batsmans. And that intimating mousetouch! Waise I too having mousetouch. I not saving daily. Not because I wanting to shave money. I wanting to keep a stable which pupil think is cold. (Girl daughter telling me it's not 'cold' but 'cool'. Read it cool, ok? He will be happy. Kids are like kidneys, make those happy)

Also in the middle time, Imran Khan lossed election. It was bad. Wins and losses are part of cricket. But not in politics. Their you are a looser if you loose. But I like him like nobody's business. And he is still being free, dislike Musharraf who can anytime go jail which is either good or bad.

No more righting today. Wish all my fans a pieceful happy new year.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

"...And miles to go before I sleep" and 7 variations

"...And miles to go before I sleep"

Now why on earth Robert Frost felt it necessary to share his sleeping habits with us is something we'd never know but as luck would have it, the seven-word-sentence mentioned above happens to be one of the most quoted lines of poetry.

Below are the seven variations of the line from Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening":

1. Miles to go before I sleep ~ Kumbhakarna.

2. Miles to go before eye-to-eye sleep ~ Tahir Shah

3. Inches to go before I sleep ~ HD Deve Gowda

4. Smiles to go before I sleep ~ Navjot Sidhu

5. Kilometres to go before I sleep ~ Staunch metric system supporter

6. Miles to go before iSleep ~ Apple generation

7. Frequent flier miles to go before I sleep ~ Pratibha Patil

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Seven 'Sholay 3D' Twists

Tarun Tejpal always wanted to be a journalist but on Friday, he wished he were Sholay 3D.

At least Sholay 3D was released.

Doosra has reliably learnt the film is not completely old wine in new bottle. Apparently, the makers of the film have made a few changes to the original script to prevent boredom and the seven major tweaks are:-

1. Tutored by Viru, Basanti wins women's 50m pistol gold at 2016 Rio Olympics.

2. Hema Malini convinces Gabbar Singh to buy a Kent water purifier.

3. Sanjay Dutt makes a brief appearance, freed on parole so that he can come and console a bereaved Thakur whose family Gabbar has wiped out.

4. Serial tobacco-chewer Gabbar Singh dies of oral cancer, sparing 24-year-old Mukesh a gruesome death from the same at the film's interval.

5. Hugely impressed by Arnab Goswami, Gabbar Singh rephrases his iconic query: "The nation wants to know, kitney aadmi the?"

6. Imam's son Ahmed Mian finds employment under NREGA scheme and doesn't have to leave for city and get killed by Gabbar's men on his way.

7. A.K. Hangal asks "Itna sannata kyun hai bhai" and is promptly reminded that he had strayed into a Titan showroom and the correct pronunciation is "Sonata".