Sunday, 13 December 2015

Exclusive Interview of Rohit Sharma's Talent (RST)

Doosra: Hi, you there?
RST: What do you mean you there?

Doosra: Odd. I can hear you but I can't see. The chair is empty. Are you real? I mean, do you really exist?
RST: what do you mean? You don't really suggest Rohit Sharma's talent is non-existent, do you?

Doosra: Well, it's very disconcerting. I feel like Annu Kapoor entertaining an invisible Anil Kapoor in "Mr India". If you exist, why can't I see you?
RST: You don't see Bappi Lahiri's eyes either, but that doesn't mean he doesn't possess any. Look through the prism of devotion, and you'd see me, you obnoxious non-believer.

Doosra: Are you a myth or reality? Does Rohit really have any talent?
RST: Loads of it, more than he knows what to do with it. Trust me, the guy is stuffed to the gills with talent. Look how obese I am!

Doosra: I still can't see you...
RST: That's because you are a cynic moron. Yesterday he cut his finger and you know what he bled? Talent. He is full of it, he's oozing it all the time through his pores. In fact, he has surplus talent. At times he has to spit it, vomit it and even defecate it. Or he'd explode.

Doosra: What rubbish.
RST: On the contrary, if ICC is really serious about improving cricket's standard in associate nations, they should sprinkle Rohit's bathwater on the cricketers from those countries.

Doosra: Outrageous. I find it difficult to accept. Talent was Wasim Akram, who could bowl six different deliveries in an over.
RST: Wasim was a kid and must be thanking his stars that his career didn't coincide with Rohit's. Rohit can squeeze in a boundary even in a three-run knock. He can edge even when shadow-practising. And he can outsmart any bowler by offering multiple dismissal options in each delivery.

Doosra: If he is indeed so talented, why can't he score consistently?
RST: I'll pardon you for being such a chump. All talents, by nature, are like that. If Leonardo da Vince had to churn out a masterpiece every day, he'd have probably come up with Mona Singh and not Mona Lisa. Same with Rohit - masterclass or mastercrap. Nothing in between.

Doosra: Records don't really back that. Apart from the two 200-plus ODI scores, both at home, there's pretty much no real masterclass to justify his billing as the best thing to come out of Mumbai since Sachin Tendulkar.
RST: That's a wrong way to put it.

Doosra: I'm glad you agree.
RST: No, I meant the truth is Tendulkar is the best thing to come out of Mumbai before Rohit happened. I'm afraid, world cricket will always be divided into pre-Rohit and post-Rohit eras.

Doosra: Whatever. I think the trick is to combine talent with hard work. Lara was gifted, but Sachin worked harder and see where they ended up.
RST: Utter rubbish. See, Rohit can't work hard, it would be suicidal for him.

Doosra: And how?
RST: Let me explain. See, every player is like a container, and Rohit is full to the brim with talent. Now to accommodate hard work, you have to tilt the container and drain some of the talent. Now who in his right mind would waste talent like that? Where is the sense in it?

Doosra: It's ridiculous.
Talent: I agree, he's outrageously talented.

Doosra: You mean he won't improve ever?
RST: Don't be silly, where is the room?
Doosra: Guess, we have to live with it. Anyway, nice talking to you. See you...ok, forget it.

Friday, 20 November 2015

7 Nightmares Of A Bengali Bhadralok

1. November 1. Deserted place. Man at dimly-lit lone woollen garment shop whispers: “We don’t sell monkey cap.”

2. Reaching Antarctica and finding there is no Dada-Boudi/Annapurna Hotel serving Bhapa Ilish. Or at least fresh Parshe fish;

3. Pharmacies selling no Gelusil;

4. Braving bullets, dodging landmines and surviving nuclear explosion only to find himself in a situation, for which there is no suitable Rabindrasangeet capturing the complex state of his mind;

5. FSSAI banning Marie biscuit, declaring only rusk can be dunked in morning tea;

6. A worker in a Havana suburb committing suicide and only 2,613 people turning up at Brigade Parade Ground to mourn it;

7. Fearing there are too many of them and they might join hands one day to demand separate nationhood, Government of India decides Bong parents can’t nickname their kids “Bappa” and “Maamon” anymore.

Monday, 5 October 2015

Job Advertisement by Indian Left Leaning Right Wing Aam Congress Trinamuletra Kazhagam

Indian Left Leaning Right Wing Aam Congress Trinamuletra Kazhagam (ILLRWACTK) advertises the following posts to reinforce our mid-rung leadership and boost our media presence.

1. Senior On-camera Crier:
We are looking for someone with robust lacrimal glands (attach medical reports). The candidate should be able to summon tears at a short notice. Essentially, we are looking for a Nirupa Roy in khadi, who should be able to cry over anything, including spilt milk.

Salary: In keeping with the job profile, salary will leave you in tears.

2. Senior Studio-hopper:
We are looking for a candidate with a gift for diplomatic circumlocution. You should be able to blabber on without telling anything.

You would be hopping from one TV studio to another, defending even the most indefensible party move. You should be compulsorily non-committal, supremely vague and appear funereal.

We are basically looking for someone who can outcliche Ravi Shastri, outidiom Navjot Sidhu and outbias Sunny Gavaskar.

You must be a thick-skinned, cliche-pouting, footage-gobbling motormouth, who is not averse to be humiliated on national TV by Arnab Goswami. You should absorb some of the public outrage so that top leaders have it easy.

Candidate should be open to defending party at odd hours for it's not always possible for top leadership to bungle strictly between 9-6.

We will offer a competitive salary but no residence as the candidate will be camping in TV studios anyway.

3. Compulsive condemner-cum-resignation seeker:
We are looking for someone who would condemn rival leaders and demand their resignation even when asleep.

Candidate should look perennially grumpy. Those with chronic dyspepsia and/or migraine would be preferred (attach medical certificate). He/she should be able to link opposition leaders to any scandal/debacle happening anywhere in the world and demand resignation on moral ground.

We offer a salary that would help you remain grumpy but you are not supposed to demand HR manager's resignation.

4. Junior Social media wisher-cum-mourner:
We want an internet-savvy candidate who'd keep us at the top of the social media game.

The job is essentially to wish party leaders and ideologues on their birthdays/anniversaries and mourn their death on Facebook and Twitter.

Social media is a potential minefield and it's a deceptively easy job. This vacancy was created after we fired the chap who prematurely tweeted "Party president died, R.I.P." when the venerable leader had merely dyed.

Salary will be linked to number of Likes you get on Facebook and the RTs you generate on Twitter.

Monday, 28 September 2015

Exclusive: Sourav Ganguly interview

Doosra interviewed Sourav Ganguly at Eden Gardens soon after he became the CAB president.

As his wont, dada was two hours late for the interview but he sort of made up with his frank views on Bengal and Indian cricket.

He chewed his nails throughout the interview until he was sufficiently manicured.

The tangled mass of assorted chains and lockets also made an appearance as he undid the first two buttons of his shirt which he, despite occasional provocations, did not take off or swirl.

We produce the interview verbatim below:

Doosra: Ah, here you are. We thought you won’t turn up at all.
Sourav Ganguly: Sorry, I’m late but don’t you think you should have got used to it by now? Bhagwan ke ghar der hain andher nahi. And you forgot they called me God of the off-side?

Doosra: Well, you have a point there, and a gully as well. Anyway, how does it feel to be the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: Long ago, I asked “aapne dada ko bhule to nahin?” They proved they have not. I thank them for making me CAB boss though, honestly, I expected to lead ICC if not the UN. Anyway, CAB is a good launchpad I guess.

Doosra: So what are your plans for Bengal cricket?
SG: I promise a swift turnaround in Bengal cricket. They won’t have to wait for it like Steve Waugh had to wait for me at toss (bursts into laughter).

Doosra: Many expect you to identify youngsters who would form the nucleus of the future Bengal team, just as you did as Team India captain.
SG: I’m glad you asked this question. Well, I have decided Sehwag, Yuvraj, Kaif, Bhajji and Zaheer will form the core of the future Bengal team.

Doosra: What! But they are nearly done with competitive cricket and they play for other states!
SG: Sorry, I meant Sehwag junior, Yuvraj junior, Bhajji junior...See, it’s an ambitious, unprecedented project. Sehwag is so pissed off with Delhi that he won’t mind even if his son plays for Andaman Nicobar in Ranji Trophy. We have convinced Bhajji to get married soon and talks are on with Yuvraj as well to graduate from pie-chucker to bachelorhood-chucker. These are the baby steps for revival of Bengal cricket, if you know what I mean (winks).

Doosra: Quite radical, one must say.
SG: Yes, and if the plan materialises, it would rob other states of their own talents and enrich Bengal. So you can say I’m killing two Dickie Birds with one Sharon Stone -- I picked it from Sidhu, by the way.

Doosra: Hope you realise that cricket administration is not going to be a bed of roses. There will be people resisting every step. How do you plan to tackle them?
SG: Chappal se nahi, Chappell se maarunga. I will treat them like I used to treat left-arm spinners. You don’t worry about that.

Doosra: And what about Shah Rukh Khan?
SG: What about him?

Doosra: I mean he treated you badly at KKR, stripping you of captaincy then kicking you out of the team. Are we going to see him being banned at Eden Gardens just like he was at Wankhede?
SG: Don’t be silly. We are grown up men. I have put the entire KKR episode behind me. However, other members decided Shah Rukh will have to walk on his hands every time he wants to enter Eden Gardens, balancing an egg on a spoon in his mouth and two lighted candles on his soles. Well, I can’t always ignore majority view, you see. (winks)

Doosra: What are the reforms you have in mind for Bengal cricket?
SG: To improve our running between-the-wicket, we plan to abolish it altogether. We want our future generation batsmen to score only with 4s and 6s. We commissioned a study that suggests taking singles and twos significantly impedes a batsman’s ability to hit 4s and 6s in the same over, apart from greatly enhancing run-out risks. I agree, it’s not worth the risk.

Doosra: There is a rumour that your wife would be roped in as the team’s batting consultant. That’s not true for sure?
SG: What’s wrong with that? Dona will help our batsmen get their footwork right. Against the spinners, they need to come dancing down the track and who better than a professional dancer to teach them how to do it? Also she gets bored at home knitting sweater for me and the kids.

Doosra: And why did CAB choose Salman Khan, of all people, as the brand ambassador?
SG: I suspect you’re not aware of it but taking off shirt is universally recognized as a cathartic exercise, and my experience is no different. Modern cricket is much more stressful and the players need an outlet for their pent-up angst. Look at Salman, he has got into all sorts of troubles and still remains sane because he frequently goes topless. Besides, we wanted to tap into his hit-and-run experience. (winks)

Doosra: What is your immediate target as CAB chief?
SG: To get Ashok Dinda back down to earth. Poor lad, has leapt so high since his last delivery that got awkwardly stuck in one of the trees in maidan. Fire Brigade guys have reached there with ladder etc. Maybe we need to fill his boots with stones to keep him grounded or tether him to the stumps.

Doosra: And what’s your long-term target as the boss of Bengal cricket?
SG: To lead Bengal to a position where BCCI and eventually ICC will beg for CAB membership.

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

7 Reasons Why Doosra Did Not Win

As you can make out from the conspicuous silence, Doosra did not win at #WIN15.

We did a post-mortem of the debacle and below are the seven reasons why we did not win.

1. We did not win largely because we lost;

2. We lost because we got the vastu of our blog totally wrong;

3. We did not win as our efforts to manipulate the voting system did not work;

4. We lost as we were 'outbribed' by the eventual winner;

5. We did not win because Blue Dart delayed in delivering the ransom letter to jury chairman whose son we had kidnapped;

6. We lost because the chap who won the prize was in possession of an explosive MMS with the jury chairman featuring prominently in it;


7. Doosra doesn't run after awards. We merely walk briskly.

Saturday, 19 September 2015

Doosra in Top 5 but...

Bit of comedy. Doosra has made it to the Top 5 in ‪#‎Win15‬ but it's in 'Sports' category even though we nominated it in Humour & Satire section.

On second thought, maybe humour is a new sport and we did not notice when the change was made.

The award will be announced on Sunday. The payment has been made to the jury chairman but to be on the safe side, Doosra has also arranged to get his son kidnapped just to preempt any attempt to outbribe us.

Not being complacent but you can safely say we have covered all the bases.

Sunday, 13 September 2015

Leander-Paes-is-older-than-tennis-itself and other startling facts about him

Something significant happened last week in the limestone tunnels in a cave outside Johannesburg.

A group of cavers discovered Homo naledi, a new species of human ancestor.

More significantly – remember you read it here first -- the geologists have discovered that Leander Paes, who won yet another grand slam last week, is older than tennis itself.

Exactly how old is Leander Paes?

Tennis archeologists Doosra spoke to completely dismissed Leander’s claim that he is merely 42. They call it a thousand times bigger scam than Shahid Afridi’s birth certificate.

He could be a Homo naledi himself,” a geologist said on condition of anonymity, since nobody knows him anyway.

To give you an idea how old he is, our team in Egypt recently unearthed this set of hieroglyphs. It doesn’t mention the precise time but clearly states that after winning his first grand slam, Leander got a camel, a hunk of gold and spices as prize, as the concept of money was not born yet.”

Leander’s early coach, a Neanderthal interviewed over planchette, could not confirm the player’s actual age but confirmed he was pretty ancient.

Leander is the only human being to have spotted a dinosaur. He would brag about it to his younger teammates who naturally thought he was nuts. Leander, if my memory serves me right, in fact started tennis playing with the egg of a tyrannosaurus,” he scribbled on the Ouija board.

Separately, could you please tell Leander he still owes me a bison as training fee? Thanks.”

A timekeeping enthusiast was not so sure about Leander’s age but confirmed a 17th century tennis match featuring the Indian and the nephew of Pope Urban VIII was suspended in unique circumstances.

It was cloudy, so the sundial was of no use. But official reports must mention set and match timings of a tennis match. So they suspended the match and waited until Galileo came up with the idea of pendulum that would lead to manufacturing of pendulum clock.”

In such a remarkably lengthy career, Leander naturally partnered a significantly large number of people to win those doubles titles.

According to a moderate estimate, if all his men’s doubles partners form a human chain, they would twice circle Mars,” said a tennis historian.

And placed end-to-end, his mixed doubles partners would reach the moon and back twice,” he added.

A retired ATP official shared an interesting Leander anecdote.

In the 1970s, an airline misplaced Leander’s luggage but he simply borrowed a mandolin from the local crowd and went on to win a three-setter,” he said.

His opponent did complain about the noise when ball struck strings, saying it was far from music to his ears. But the officials said with formidable grunters like Maria Sharapova and the Williams sisters ready to swarm the game, Tennis better got used to such noise.”

Asked why there was no record of it in ATP books, he said: "Rats abounded in our storeroom and a particular rodent, feeling unwell after swallowing a rancid piece of cheese at dinner tore and downed this particular page of ATP records to see if it made him feel better.”

Meanwhile, a physicist at the ISRO explained Leander’s split with long-time doubles partner Mahesh Bhupathi.

The real reason behind the split is not ego clash but laws of physics,” he said, stuffing his nostrils with radioactive snuff.

Remember how they used to celebrate? Yes, chest-bumping. Once they bumped with so much force that the velocity sent them flying in opposite directions, putting between them so large a distance that they could never come together.”

Doosra is not in a position to independently verify these claims and only a chump would allow facts kill a good story.

Thursday, 10 September 2015

No Nobel yet, Doosra nominated for BlogAdda ‪Blogging Award instead

Dear fellow Oxygen guzzlers,

Doosra has been nominated for the BlogAdda ‪‎Blogging Award in the Humour & Satire category, though I expected Nobel in Literature, to be honest.

In an ideal world, I would have simply stuffed the jury's pocket and walked away with the award. But, like most of you, I don't keep small change.

The other option was to kidnap the 11 other bloggers who have been shortlisted and demand in ransom that they shut down their blogs. There is significant fun in it, I'm told, but the lack of kidnapping experience leaves me severely handicapped.

Meanwhile, since you can't cook Maggi anymore and wondering what to do with those spare two minutes, here is a gilt-edged opportunity for you to do what you've been anyway doing all along -- liking Doosra.

Apparently they will combine jury and public votes before giving the award to the jury chairman's nephew.


Tuesday, 8 September 2015

10 Predictions

* Every Indian village will get its own CCD by 2019;

* Investigation will eventually reveal Indrani Mukherjee was born after she married herself;

* Agencies supplying freelance hunger strikers will soon be a reality;

* India and Pakistan will fight the next war not over Kashmir but over Rameez Raja -- each insisting the other keeps him;

* People who begin sentence with "Basically" would be doubly taxed;

* India's cricket clout will grow so much that ICC will have to apply for BCCI membership;

* iPhone will emerge as a new monotheistic religion;

* People who use "Password" as their password will be publicly shamed;

* Launching satellites through ISRO will be cheaper than travelling from Gurgaon to Noida by Uber/Ola;

* Audrey Hepburn will return from the dead to tell us that all the black-and-white photographs of hers flooding social media are fake.

(Here are "15 Predictions")

(Here are "15 More Predictions")

Thursday, 27 August 2015

Sangakkara Sr: Typical Subcontinent Dad

"Never reached that level...leaden-footed."

"I wouldn't call Kumar a natural talent."

"Kumar could have done better."

"...did he achieve his true potential? I don't think so.

When the world of cricket was going gaga over a retiring Kumar Sangakkara, these are some of the remarks his father made in this incredible interview.

But then Sangakkara Sr is a typical parent from the subcontinent, a species social scientists have termed as the most difficult to please.

Below is how parents of some of the greatest human beings would have reacted had they been from the subcontinent:

1) Mrs Archimedes: Poor Archie, I don't know what will happen to him. Today he is deriving Archimedes' principle, tomorrow he is inventing a screw and the next day he is reflecting sunlight in mirror and burning Roman ships. Physics, mathematics, astronony, engineering ... I just wish he were a regular boy and focused on one single subject. Also, his dad was mighty upset after Leo ran naked on the street screaming "Eureka". Neighbours won't talk to us now, such a scandal!

2) Olympias: You know, Alexander was such a cute boy and both Philip and I wanted him to steer clear of this war business. We wanted him to crack the admission test for Plato's Academy and got him the best private tutor in Aristotle too. But guess he got into wrong company and set out on conquering the world. This new generation, I tell you...

3) Da Vinci Sr: When I look back, I feel rather sad for Leo. He could have straddled the worlds of arts and sciences like no one has but he finished half the polymath he could be. Remember, he was ambidextrous, which means the output would have been double had he been a little more serious. But then he has always been casual about career and then started chasing this Mona Lisa girl...

4) Mozart Sr: Johan, I mean Wolfgang, started composing when he was five, which means he was already running five years behind! You have to start music early, preferably when you are in your mother's womb, if you ask me. Also he never made it to the second round of Zee TV "Sa Re Ga Ma Pa".

5) Mrs Newton: Isaac sadly fell for the low-hanging fruit in that famous apple incident. I mean he did formulate the Theory of Gravitation, while failing to come up with what could have been the first authentic apple-pie recipe. There was no hurry for the Theory of Gravitation, but humanity had to wait a real long time before a decent apple-pie recipe came along.

6) Einstein Sr: I think Albert won a Nobel or something in Physics, that's what his mom told me. Poor under-achiever, should have won an Oscar as well but was was too lazy to capitalise on his friendship with Charlie Chaplin and learn from him before foraying into Hollywood.

7) Mrs Armstrong: Yes, Neil did become the first man on moon and all that but guess what? He forgot to bring a fridge magnet for the family! He has always been careless like this you know. When he was seven, he once ... When will you grow up Neil?

Tuesday, 18 August 2015

9 Facts About Retiring Kumar Sangakkara

1. He studied law and is a champion sledger but never called anyone Habeus Corpus or Quo Warranto, or even Certiorari;

2. In his teen, he was known as Kishor Kumar or the Young Kumar;

3. Contrary to perceptions, he has no kids with Mahela Jayawardene;

4. His brilliant 2011 MCC speech made so much sense that MCC had to rent a warehouse to store them;

5. In a 2000 survey, 67% Sri Lankans said they needed Sangakkara as much as they needed O2. Rest said they don’t need O2;

6. The only genuine blot in his otherwise stellar career is his failure to convince Lasith Malinga to shun ghastly hairdos;

7. He dropped wicketkeeping not because of increased workload but because he felt he was being too greedy – already a top batsman and trying to become the top stumper as well;

8. The Battle in Lanka would not have occurred at all had he been around. Sangakkara would have convinced Ravan that wife-stealing amounted to serious breach of the ICC Code of Conduct and that he should not expect any favour from Ranjan Madugalle;

9. In 2000, as a neighbourly gesture, Colombo offered India to pick one Sri Lankan to represent them. New Delhi originally wanted Sangakkara but a clerical mistake in the External Affairs Ministry left India with Jacqueline Fernandez instead.


Tuesday, 4 August 2015

10 Persons I Find Interesting

1. An Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) trustee charged with drunk-driving;

2. A top PETA official caught on camera tying Diwali crackers to his pet dog’s tail;

3. A divorce lawyer separating from spouse;

4. A superstitious scientist who always wears his left shoe first;

5. An eye specialist who bumps into furniture and stubs his/her toe;

6. A blind eyewitness;

7. A performing singer who has just realized he/she has forgotten the lyrics;

8. A high-jumper with a fear of height;

9. A history teacher who repeats himself;

10. A croc-hunter who’s afraid of geckos.

Friday, 24 July 2015

15 More Predictions

1. Mukesh Ambani will buy Greece from an auction outbidding a Qatari royal and bring it under Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation;

2. Farmers’ suicide will finally be a thing of the past as there won’t be any left to attempt it;

3. An Indian will invent a cordless mobile charger which would double up as pajama drawstring;

4. Shoaib Akhtar will pip Rameez Raja to Indian citizenship;

5. Mahatma Gandhi will appear during a joint parliament session, demanding his name is deleted from history, insisting he wants none of it;

6. The UN will ban IPL and all franchise-based sports leagues simply for coming up with such ghastly names for the teams;

7. Trying to create the photographic illusion of touching the top of the minaret at Taj Mahal and similar structures will be declared as mental illness;

8. Eclairs will become legitimate currency;

9. Girls with moustache and guys with pot-belly will dominate the next decade;

10. New breed of hens will directly lay boiled egg.

11. Shah Rukh Khan will lose a Bollywood Dahi Handi competition to Ranvir Kapoor after selecting the likes of Kailash Kher, Aamir Khan and Rajpal Yadav in his team. The human pyramid didn’t come anywhere near the pot;

12. A new Nehru biography will disclose he was actually called "Cha Cha" Nehru for being nimble-footed in that Cuban dance form;

13. Chetan Bhagat will confess his latest books are duds and he buys thousands of them himself to make them best-sellers.

14. Future poll promises by political parties will include offer to help people climb out of their skinny jeans;

15. Death will be optional.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

15 Predictions

1. Stephen Hawking will clamber out of that wheelchair and sheepishly apologise for playing the longest practical joke on us;

2. Osama bin Laden will be found alive somewhere along the Sudan-Uganda border, clean shaven and married happily to a Bantu widow with 12 sons from her previous three marriages;

3. Fashion will go out of fashion;

4. Once done with her adoption spree, Angelina Jolie will stage hunger strike in front of the UN headquarters demanding separate nationhood for her kids;

5. Leonardo DiCaprio will name her son Oscar, realising it’s the only way he can have one;

6. Football will be banned after the supporters of Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo fight World War III over who is the better player;

7. With nothing left to win in women’s tennis, Serena Williams will play men’s event but would go down to Novak Djokovic in five sets in Wimbledon final;

8. Doctors will reveal Bappi Lahiri’s sunglasses have developed veins and is now only surgically removable;

9. Next UN secretary-general would be a stand-up comedian;

10. Leander Paes will win the 2040 Wimbledon mixed doubles final partnering one of Roger Federer’s twin daughters;

11. One of the south Asian nations will declare Angry Bird as their national bird;

12. Pluto will be reinstated as a planet under ST/SC/OBC/minority/sports quota;

13. India TV will broadcast an exclusive one-on-one with Ajmal Kasab via planchette in which he would deny being served Biryani in Indian jail. Kasab will call it "media propaganda" and vow to break the necks of all misleading journalists, prompting the interviewer to flee studio and the channel to abruptly replace the show with a programme about a ghost which is lactose intolerant;

14. Indian channels will break the exclusive news of Aradhya Bachchan signing her first film against Rajnikant;

15. Kangana Ranaut would reveal she is a cyborg;

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Wimbledonitis strikes Indian cricket

Indian cricket's worst-kept secret is out, and remember you read it here first.

Some of the biggest names in Indian cricket have recently been diagnosed with what medics are calling Wimbledonitis -- an irrepressible urge to be at the Wimbledon, especially for the men's competition.

"Wimbledon has become his personal Vaishno Devi," said a family member of one of those cricketers, requesting anonymity.

"It's to him is what Cannes is to Sonam Kapoor. Come July and he wakes up, as if in a trance, takes a shower, puts on his best suit, dangles a tie from his neck and leaves for airport without uttering a word where he is going," she said.

"After a day or two, just when we're on the verge of contacting police, he resurfaces at Wimbledon's Centre Court. We used to panic a lot, but now getting used to it."

BCCI has appointed a leading psychiatrist to look into the case but the mystery rages on.

"I don't want to sound an alarmist but the ailment is spreading like a rumour of salacious nature in a gossip-starved neighbourhood," said Dr Mannjeet Mann, shaking head in disappointment.

"I'm yet to go to the bottom of this but it looks like a Curse of the White and most vulnerable are the recently retired ones.

"Wimbledon's predominantly white dress casts a natural spell on the psyche of the test players. That explains the strong pull they succumb to.

"It's an attraction as strong as the one Odysseus felt passing through the colony of the Sirens who lured sailors with their enchanting music."

Economists have also waded into the topic.

"It's very simple. Considering the food inflation here, it's actually cheaper to fly to London and eat strawberry-and-cream there than buy those here," said one of them.

According to a conspiracy theorist, Wimbledon was merely a ruse.

"The cricketers used it to fly to England and eat Maggi there. Remember, UK's Food Standards Agency has announced it safe," he said.

Dr Mann insisted it would be silly to underestimate the epidemic.

"This year we have had three of them -- Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Virat Kohli at the Royal Box.

"And we have definitive proof now, of how it affects your intellectual faculties. A day after this, Tendulkar found himself lost in an Oxfordshire village and sent frantic SOS to get him out of there.

"It all probably started long back. Remember, tennis elbow didn't exist in India before he developed one."

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Why can't we have honest bios like these?

Our strive for transparency should not end in celeb wear. An honest world is a lot more fun place.

Take the citations that go with all government awards. They simply lack soul and sound funereal. Insert some interesting tidbits about the winners and see how honest and fascinating it reads.

Image Bharat Ratna citations reading like this:

Shanthajit Sreechandila, Cricketer
* Rejected six match-fixing offers in a spotless career – either lacking the courage or the offers were not good enough.

* Cried twice on camera when asked about dark past. Would have been tried for tax evasion in any civilized country but used his connections to get away with it.

* Team mates fondly remember him as the stingiest person they shared dressing room with.

* Opponents remember him as a champion sledger with a penchant to involve female family members of his rivals.

* Often found digging nose at the presentation ceremony.

SureshRaja JayaKaruna Prasad, Politician
* In the 1716 rallies he addressed, had 17 chappals hurled at him, was slapped seven times and twice attacked with ink – least among his compatriots.

* Was found sitting through the national anthem on 11 occasions.

* A steady supplier of workforce to the government, he accommodated 136 of his family members in various departments.

* Introduced five different women as his wife at different points of time.

* Used political connections 201 times to get relatives out of jail.

* Set up Hai-Huku Commerce University of Science and Arts to match the institute he had forged his Master’s degree from. Seven of his rival candidates remain missing for over a decade.

RajKaran Verma, Bollywood Director
* More than 50% of his films didn’t attract plagiarism charges, a rarity in the industry.

* Maker of mostly women-centric films with the recurring theme of under-textiled females gyrating in rain under the Duckworth-Lewis method.

* A Bollywood pioneer who rendered plots redundant.

* Got three national awards, using either bribe or threats.

* Have steadfastly refused to be funded by anyone outside underworld. Often takes the underworld’s help to negotiate fees of his actors.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

7 Reasons Why Helmets Must Not Be A Must For Bikers

1. It becomes dashed difficult to identify the helmeted person your boyfriend/girlfriend, you chance-discover, clinging to;

2. If anyone is planning to vacate the already crowded planet, we need to honour that sentiment. A biker without helmet should be rewarded and not challaned;

3. Helmets, at best, can temporarily hide baldness but can’t cure it;

4. I have no sympathy for the helmet-manufacturing industry and I resent traffic cops to be reduced to their salesmen;

5. According to a study conducted by a team half of which had their helmets on, 45% of the brain surgeons, along with their family, will die starvation death if helmet is made mandatory for all bikers in India.

6. Helmet encourages reckless biking, convincing the wearer that he/she can emerge from anything with that head intact;

and finally,

7. Anyone who considers helmet a nuisance deserves an accident.

Thursday, 28 May 2015

The existential crisis in animal kingdom nobody will tell you about

"It's a dog's life" is the common refrain of human existence but frankly speaking, we simply have no idea what our canine friends and other animals are going through.

The general discontentment with life, I'm reliably told, is rife among them. Truth is, no animal is happy being what he is and believes Life has played a dirty trick on them by generously handing out certain fruit of the Citrus genus while maintaining a wicked silence on the important procedure of lemonade-making.

The poor animals laid bare their soul in one of their nocturnal gatherings moderated by an elderly cow and Doosra reproduces it verbatim.

Let me tell you, if this doesn’t exhaust your monthly supply of tissue boxes, you have a stone where a heart was supposed to be.

Mosquito: Guys, to be honest, I've lost the urge to live on. I'm not overreacting when I say blood doesn’t taste what it used to be.

Cow: Well my little friend, don't say like that. It's a grossly imperfect world but one should not succumb so easily to pessimism. What makes you so cynic?

Mosquito: Listen bro, you know I'm a mutant mosquito, quite a tough nut to crack. None of the repellants they've invented really works on me. But I can't be too fond of a life spent trying to avoid being squashed between the palms. I'd rather be reborn as a Sajid Khan film. At least no one would clap!

Cow: I hear you, totally. Cheer up mate. You think I’m happy being what I am? No! Even I wanted to make it big in life. I wish I were raised in Chennai and one day they showered a Jayalalithaa or a Rajinikant banner with my milk. Imagine, my milk! Everyone needs a tale to tell their grandchildren in the twilight of their life. I'm no exception.

Dog: I see where you're coming from bud, for I have my own little ambition and it's not being hailed as "man's best friend" by the same human being who'd tie crackers to my tail in Diwali and derive sadistic pleasure out of my inelegant panic.

Cow: So what's your dream my friend?

Dog: Some day, I wish to chase a Ferrari car in a Formula One race and wet the tyre of a brand new Mercedes. I can die in peace after that.

Cow: I hope it comes true my friend. I guess our friend, the illustrious Royal Bengal Tiger has no real regrets in life, being the darling of the environmentalists who'd lay their lives to protect you?

Royal Bengal Tiger: It's fat good being the darling of a tribe which is more endangered than I am. What drives me nuts is the fact that despite being the grandest of tigers, I'm still not a brand! And if you're not a brand, let me tell you, market economy would not even look back at you. I'd rather be a Jaguar or even a Puma, even if it's a drastic demotion for me in the hierarchy.

Cow: I missed that angle, obviously. Well, I won't call Peacock a brand yet but I think our beautiful feathery friend can't complain not being in demand.

Peacock: Dear cow, don't take it personally but you are simply talking through your hat. Try living in shrinking habitats, in constant fear of being denuded of your plumes. And what's the use of being beautiful and yet retire as soon as the sun sets? I wish I were an owl instead.

Cow: And why's that?

Peacock: Because they have exciting nightlife (winks).

Owl: Nightlife my foot! Given a chance, I'll be happily swapping my chronic insomnia with any normal bird. It's very humiliating when certain birds sarcastically wish us "have a good day".

Cow: Well, you certainly have a point. Dear cockroach, you too nurse a grudge like that?

Cockroach: No, I nurse revenge only. I just want to be reborn as a human being, as a cheating boyfriend -- a charismatic Casanova, a relentless Romeo, a deadly Don Juan...

Cow: Calm down my friend, so much of excitement is not good for your tiny body.

Cockroach: Well, I want to teach at girls lesson for their collective over-reaction at the mere sight of any of us.

Cow: I got your point. You too believe life has been harsh on you dear Zebra?

Zebra: What else? Look at me, cursed with a permanent black-and-white life while the world has long back moved to colours. I'd rather be a chameleon. The other day, I heard this ant on my neck telling its friend: "you'd be in trouble if you try to run over me, I’m on zebra crossing."

Cow: What’s your take monkey?

Monkey: Listen bro. Let's admit, life here is not what it should have been here. I just want to relocate to a Banana Republic, ASAP.

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Lost And Found In Translation: Ui Ma Ui Ma Mar Gayi Re

"Mamma miya, this must be the end
My consent was inadvertent
Your eyes, your words
I blanched, my love, I was so frightened."

"Mamma mia -- this song and dance
Why did you love me in the first instance?"
"You are naughty, oh my boy
I'm feeling rather coy
You said, I did, didn't I?
And all limits we did transcend."

"You’re a love-fraud, I ain't kidding
It’s far from love, it’s plain cheating”
“Hand-on-heart, didn’t you consent
One day you’d make me content?
When time's here to deliver
Now you backtrack! Excellent!”

Mamma miya, this must be the end
Yes-no, and then no consent
My eyes, my words...
My love you got so frightened!"

Ui ma ui ma mar gayi re
Anjane me haan kar gayi re
Teri ankho se teri baton se
Sajan mai kitna darr gayi re

Ui ma uima karna tha
To pyar na mujhse karna tha
Shaitan bana tu aj piya
Mujhko ati hai laj piya
Jo tune kaha woh maine kiya
Ab hadd se baat gujar gayi re.

Tu ashiq number do ka hai
Yeh pyar nahi hai dhoka hain
Tu kehti thi dil bhar dungi
Ekdin tujhko khush kar dungi
Jab wade ka din aya to
Wade se saaf mukar gayi re.

Ui ma ui ma kar gayi re
Haan kar ke toh nah kar gayi re
Meri ankho se meri bato se
Sajni tu kitna darr gayi re

Sunday, 15 March 2015

To Rahul, With Love ~ Delhi Police

Oh dear Rahul, why make a fuss
Over simple questions and simple answers
What makes you weary?
We got simple query
Fair or dusky?
Baritone or husky?
How is your skin?
Patchy? Porcelain?
Eyes and their colour
Turquoise? azure?
The hair, kindly fill in
Silky, grey and thinning?
Once we get these right
We hit matrimonial site
Find a girl compatible,
So please don't quibble
No need to fret
Kindly co-operate ~ Thanks, Delhi Police

(Pix: AFP)

Friday, 13 March 2015

Lost And Found In Translation: Angna Me Baba Duare Pe Ma

"Dad's manning courtyard, and mom too guarding
How can I, oh beloved, at this hour drop in?"

"Dad's gone to field silly, mom's gone shopping
I'm alone at home, goddamn, just drop in."

"Suppose I drop in, what about food?"
"Will cook halwa and puri to boot,
"Out of my soft hand, you don't mind eating?"

"Halwa, puri make me drowsy, I may need siesta
"Don't sweat over that, I'll spread dupatta...
Have a lie-down and you'd feel topping...

"What if mom barges in, she'd eat me raw (3)
"I'll tell her ‘say hi to your son-in-law’
To ask for my hand, bugger, just drop in."

Angna mein baba duaare pe ma
Kaise aaye gori ham tohre ghar ma

Angna mein baba duaare pe ma
Kaise aaye gori ham tohre ghar ma

Khet gaye baba bazaar gayi maa
Akeli hu ghar maa tu aa ja balma

Ghar maan jo aaibe to hamein ka khilaibe
Garam garam halva aur poori pakaibe
Naram naram haathon se kha jaa baalma

Halwa poori khaive to nindiya sataibe
Sjiya mein tohare liye aanchal bichhaibe
Siiya ki kismat jaga ja balma

Kya hoga bazaar se maa jo aayi
Keh doongi maa ye hai tera jamaai
Haath mera maangne ko aa jaa baalma
(P.S. The new ‘Lost And Found In Translation’ series is an attempt to shame the committee which awards Nobel in literature until they shed their baffling snobbery and give the Bollywood devil his is due)

Saturday, 28 February 2015

Decoding Budget 2015

Chuck the economics mumbo-jumbo. In a nutshell, some stuff have just got more expensive and some cheaper. Ignore the economic gobbledygook and read on as Doosra explains the ramifications of the change in prices of certain stuff.

1. Agarbattis: A massive boost for Bollywood. How? Well, more producers can now burn them in front of their late parent’s B/W portrait and shoot the scene to be shown before opening credits;

2. Ambulance Service: Smart move, aimed at encouraging citizens to fall ill, which would in turn boost, among other, pharma sector and the death care industry;

3. Visiting zoos/national park: Disastrous step. More nutcases will now jump into tiger cages and become instant snacks;

4. Leather footwear priced above Rs 1000: Welcome move, especially for girls. Most sub-1000 footwears don’t last a five-minute thrashing of one of those male scoundrels that roam the world.

5. Pacemakers: Wise step. Those who have it ran 24x7 the risk of getting mugged at gun point. Making it cheaper means it’s no more lucrative in black market.

1. Cigarettes: A fundamentally-flawed move to curb cancer. People won’t stop smoking if you make cigarette costlier, something every budget has been doing. If you are really serious about curbing smoking, make cigarette so cheap that nobody would smoke it fearing they’d look downmarket. People buy iPhone because it roughly costs whatever a Chinese teenager’s kidney fetches from open market. Make it cheap and people won’t touch it with a 10-foot pole.

2. Eating out: Perfect move. For long, gastrointestinal diseases were so cheap that any Tom, Dick and Harry could dine out and get it. This move

3. Plastic bags: As Ravi Shastri would say: Just what the doctor ordered. It would force the stingy Bollywood actors to pay more for the stuff they collect and melt to cover up bodily flaws.

4. Cement. A masterstroke to rein in Jaitley’s BCCI colleague N Srinivasan. The more expensive it is, the fewer buyer. This would undermine India Cements chief Srinivasan’s affluence and clout in cricket world;

5. Liquor & Chit fund: A harsh move which effectively means if you’ve lost money in chit fund, you can’t even drown that sorrow in alcohol.

(Pix: Bloomberg)

Sunday, 15 February 2015

India v Pakistan: 7 Takeaways

1. For India, Shikhar Dhawan and Virat Kohli forged the kind of partnership that, if noticed by Hindu Mahasabha, would have redefined their marital status;

2. Like any other partnership in life, the one between Dhawan and Kohli also ended courtesy a misunderstanding;

3. Science Fact: Gravity is stronger between the fingers of an Akmal.

4. There was so much wind in Adelaide that Indian potato chips manufacturers are planning plants there;

5. Considering how windy it was in Adelaide, ICC missed a golden opportunity to generate electricity by connecting Mohammad Irfan's long, windmilling arms to a generator;

6. By ruling Umar Akmal out, TV umpire Steve Davis has leapfrogged India in any popularity chart in Pakistan;

7. The crowd at the sellout crowd made so much noise that man-of-the-match Virat Kohli confessed he had a distinct feeling of being in the Newshour studio with Arnab Goswami at full throttle.

World Cup Day 1: 7 Observations

1. Aaron Finch gives the impression that he spends leisure time skinning wild buffaloes alive with a blunt knife;

2. As captain, Eoin Morgan now has more ducks than you can hope to find in a rural Bengal pond on a given day;

3. Freed from captaincy, Morgan can express himself better. As Hollywood would vouch, what suits England most is a Morgan Freeman.

4. Mitchell is Australia’s answer to Bollywood’s Rahul. Mitchells comprised 3/11th of the Australian line-up;

5. Steven Finn’s hat-trick will go down in history as a cricketing feat as memorable as something which presently escapes my mind;

6. Sri Lanka’s 98-run defeat to New Zealand is their worst since going down to Lord Ram;

7. Mahinda Rajapakse’s defeat appeared to hang heavily on Lasith Malinga’s mind.

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Delhi Results: 7 Observations

1. These days, Congress is the best party to be in, for a stress-free political career.

2. Like a responsible party, BJP should introspect. Especially how three of its candidates managed to defy the AAP wave and won;

3. To be fair to her, Kiran Bedi did not lose. It was Vikas Bedi who lost. Kiran Bedi comes out with her reputation intact.

4. Surprisingly, Arvind Kejriwal did not declare and enforce follow-on on BJP even when AAP had taken a huge lead.

5. Botanists are baffled - so much muck flew before election but still lotus didn’t bloom.

6. Congress need not despair over their zero seats. The silver lining is – they can’t do any worse in the subsequent elections!

7. Shazia Ilmi should not be charged with culpable homicide if she decides to strangulate her political adviser, provided it’s not she herself.

Saturday, 7 February 2015

7 thoughts on Dhoni's fatherhood

1. Suresh Raina will feel insecure;

2. Dhoni is likely to uproot the entire nursing home where the kid was born and take it home as souveneir;

3. Kapil Dev's likely reaction: "Dad keh nahi sakte par, kahi na kahi, pitah toh zaroor ban gaye”.

4. India Cements will create a new vice-president's post to accommodate her;

5. N. Srinivasan is likely to downplay it, describing Dhoni instead as a "merely fatherhood enthusiast.”

6. Ian Chappell will demand Dhoni's retirement from all formats, citing the need to spend more time at home with the kid.

7. Dhoni is likely to sport a new celebratory haircut.

Thursday, 1 January 2015

Reaction to Dhoni's test retirement

1. I told you Indians are not large-hearted enough. He quit only tests and not other formats. I have retired so many times, he's done it just once. Long way to go beta. ~ Shahid Afridi.

2. Oye yaar, like languor drives a langur to a langar, like a bee goes to sea to pee, like a monkey with a junkie looking funky, like a vulture scratching ulcer in our culture... ~ Navjot Sidhu.

3. Retirement is a state of the mind and in that state election also, we lost to BJP ~ Rahul Gandhi.

4. We have to consider the socio-political context. Is retirement ka "Raaz" kya hai? "Arth" kya hain iska? Cricket uski "Jism" me har roz "Zakhm" paida kar raha tha. Yeh ek "Rog" ban kar "Zeher" ki tarah fail gaya tha. He had to quit test!. Khud ko "Murder" karta kya? But what I liked about the chap is that he started from the scratch and was always itching to succeed ~ Mahesh Bhatt.

5. I can understand test cricket was keeping him away from family. Hope he can now spend more quality time with wife, Sakshi Tanwar ~ Alia Bhatt.

6. Ekbar usne commitment kar diya to woh khud ki bhi nahi sunega. I guess he got a "Kick" out of quitting midway through the series. Yeh decision dil me aata hain, dimaag me nahi. ~ Salman Khan

7. He's just a retirement enthusiast. I think it was his astrologer's advice to retire midway through the series as Rahu was catching a nap while his girlfriend kept Ketu distracted. ~ Srinivasan.